....

I'm terrible. I should probably burn in hell. I really don't know why I'm like this, I just am. Once upon a time I was a good little churchie. I went to youth group, participated in bible quizzing, and hung out only with all the other bible thumpers in my school. Then I met Pete. Sure, at that point I was still good, but he corrupted me. He was the class clown, not sure why he paid attention to me, nobody else did.
Well, back then, we were still in high school. I was 17, and he was the same age. We got along great, and eventually he asked me out. Naturally, I agreed. He was the hot blonde guy with the accent. At this point, I was planning to wait till marriage for sex. I lasted three months.
My first time was the night of grad, after we got back from safegrad. That entire night we'd been making out almost nonstop, and we went back to his friend's house to crash. His friend let us have his bedroom. I guess I knew what was coming. Well, it was nothing special. A little uncomfortable, after all, I was a virgin, and he's big. Like, really big. Part of the reason I'm still with him.
After that, we had it more and more frequently, it was sometimes a little... painful... as I was stretched in ways I'd never expected. Now, I'm good with any position, though. He's still uncomfortably long for certain positions, even after two years.
Where is this leading? Well, it's sex. Three years ago, I could've lived the rest of my life without it. Now, Pete isn't around most of the time, and I need it. I can't concentrate, can't function without it. A lot of guys can relate, I'm sure. Most of my guy friends sure can. My problem is not even "toys" help me. I need more than just myself. And this can only be a bad thing, because my boyfriend isn't around to help me out.
So now we get to my real problem. I need it, can't live without it, well, at least not comfortably. Can't get it, at least not from the source I'm supposed to be getting it from. What am I supposed to do?
Most people just wait. The vast majority, actually. I find I can't. So I find myself cheating on Pete. I really wish I didn't do it. I love him so much, and I truly miss him. So up comes the question, is it really cheating? I'm not actually emotionally attached to the people I cheat on my guy with. They're more... a release. Toys, really. No offense intended.
I know I shouldn't think like this, and cheating is cheating. It's supposed to be anything physical, or even emotional attachment. I just don't really see it this way. Pete does, though... I'm hoping that when he finishes work for the season, I'll stop all this. Truly, I do. Truth is, this could very easily end our relationship. It would be sad if it did, but I can't help it.
So why should I burn? I'm evil, I truly am. I should never have done so many things, and I know that a true God wouldn't forgive me, not when I understand what I'm doing, but do it anyways. Oh well. I will continue living life as I do, but you now know what goes through my mind so very often.
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Btw, last night I went over to Gowan's place, I'm now Reuben's personal masseuse. If only he understood how much I enjoy giving massages... His was so relaxing, he actually fell asleep. It was kind of funny. Worked on him for like 40 minutes. Soon enough, my hands will be nice and strong again. I do so much enjoy giving back massages...